What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
