Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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