So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
