This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
