i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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