Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
