i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
