just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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