The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
