If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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