I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
