whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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