the only muscles i have these days is kegels
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
