Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
