so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
