Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
