Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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