i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
my liver is dry heaving
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
