i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
