I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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