totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
