how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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