i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
