She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am naked and annoyed.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
