the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
