best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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