i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
