how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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