I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
