but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
