It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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