You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
