can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
