How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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