Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i dont even know how to be here
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
