Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
