Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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