Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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