What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
