I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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