OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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