I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
