then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
