Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
