fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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