he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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