i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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