just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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