Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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