i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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