Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
sex in a hospital.. check
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
