At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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