What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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