she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
