Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
